How to Help a Friend Who Is Cutting

By Meghan Vivo

You've noticed scratches, cuts or burns on your friend's body, and you suspect that they may be inflicting this damage on purpose. Do you say something? What do you say? Will it make any difference?

A good friend looks out for the people they care about, especially if their friend's health or well-being is in jeopardy. While it may not be easy to bring up your concerns about your friend's cutting, doing so may be the gesture your friend needs to know someone cares.

Teens who cut, burn, scratch or otherwise harm themselves are struggling with painful emotions that they don't know how to express in healthy ways. Your friend may try to hide their behavior from others because they feel embarrassed or ashamed. But this doesn't mean they don't need help, or that you aren't the right person for the job.

Here are a few things you can do to help a friend who is cutting:

Learn About Teen Cutting. The more you know about cutting and other forms of self-injury, the better equipped you'll be to have a heartfelt talk with your friend. Research the topic online and then approach your friend in a nonjudgmental, supportive way.

Start a Conversation. Ask your friend about their behavior and let them know that you understand how much pain they're in and that you don't want to see them hurting. Don't lecture or tell them to stop. Instead, talk about potential alternatives to self-harm, such as confiding in a friend, listening to music, exercising, journaling or drawing. Listen to their feelings and plan a few healthy activities you can do together.

If your friend doesn't want to talk or rejects your offer of help, let them know you're available if they change their mind. Cutting is an isolating behavior (one that teens do alone) so by spending time with your friend and being available, you can help counteract some of the destructive behaviors.

Talk to a Trusted Adult. Your friend may not like it, but sometimes the only way to get help is to talk with a trusted adult who is in a position to help, such as your parents, a school counselor, a teacher, coach or church official. 

Be Realistic. Your concern may be enough to get your friend to admit they have a problem and agree to seek help, but your best efforts may not make your friend stop cutting. Some people are not ready to change, and you cannot force them to do anything, so don't set your expectations too high. Show that you care and offer to help – the rest is up to them.

Keep Yourself Healthy. Taking care of yourself has to be your first priority before you can help someone else. Cutting isn't edgy or cool, so don't let your friend's behavior impact your decisions. Instead, you can model healthy behaviors by venting emotions in constructive ways, putting your feelings into words, and finding solutions that don't involve hurting yourself or others. If the friendship is becoming unhealthy for you, set limits around how often you talk or hang out with your friend.

Encourage Your Friend to Get Treatment. Self-harm is a dangerous behavior with serious consequences, including infections, scarring, shock and even death. The act of cutting causes the body to release endorphins (natural painkillers), which produces some degree of pain relief. For this reason, cutting can become a compulsive behavior that is very hard to quit. Left untreated, teens who cut may become depressed, socially withdrawn and possibly suicidal.

The good news is that treatment can help. Research shows that 90 percent of teens who self-injure are able to stop within a year of beginning treatment. Some teens make significant progress in individual therapy or a support group for teens who self-injure, while others will require more intensive treatment for cutting, such as a therapeutic boarding school, adolescent residential treatment center or wilderness therapy program.

These programs help troubled teens recognize the seriousness of their behavior and learn healthier ways to cope with painful emotions. Through individual, group and family therapy, adolescents can identify what is triggering their self-injurious behaviors and find ways to experience genuine, lasting relief.

Self-injury is never a good way to cope with pain or get one's needs met. Cutting produces temporary relief, if any, and only masks the pain.

There is no simple solution to self-harm, but you are not powerless. Be a positive influence in your friends' lives and give yourself the peace of mind that comes from knowing you did your best to help a friend in need.


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